a lick amiss
by broken halleluiah
Summary: Connie is sick. Steven can't stand to watch her suffer. Pearl gets a lot of phone calls. / Birthday fic for WunderKatze!


**This is pure silliness. A shout-out to all of those childhood moments that weren't awkward until your parents made them awkward.**

 **Dedicated to my dear friend WunderKatze as a (belated) birthday fic. She's the coolest. Check out her fics, particularly all y'all Gravity Falls fans that follow me. And any Potterheads that stumble through here! :)**

* * *

 _I, Connie Maheswaran, being of sound mind and be-spotted body, do hereby issue this last will and testament to reflect my wishes in the unlikely but unfortunate event of my premature death._

Connie scrubbed one oven mitt-clad hand over the rash on her arm and struggled to keep hold of her pen with the other.

 _All of my books, most importantly The Spirit Morph Saga and its three spinoff series, are to go to my childhood friend Steven Universe for his personal enjoyment. A list shall be included stating the correct order of the aforementioned spinoff series._

She chewed the end of her pen thoughtfully, glad her mother had gone to work and, for a few hours, she could avoid the lecture about how her nervous habits were spreading chicken pox germs to the unsuspecting world.

 _All of my writings shall be burned._

A knock at her bedroom window startled Connie out of her reverie. Her room was on the second floor, so her window very rarely received any knocks. She slid out of bed and pulled the blinds up.

"Connie! You're alive!" Steven cried in delight, one cheek smashed against the window pane. His voice was muffled by the glass.

"Steven? How are you doing that?" Connie was surprised by how rough her voice sounded. Her throat didn't feel as sore today, but she realized that this was the first time she had spoken aloud in hours.

"I've got Lion help!" Steven motioned for Connie to open the window. She obliged, pulling off her mitts so she could lift the window. "Hey, nice oven mitts! Do you mind if I come in?"

"You shouldn't be here!" Connie hissed. She stepped back and motioned for Steven to climb in the window anyway. She didn't want him to lose his balance and fall off Lion's head. "I'm not supposed to have any visitors right now! I have the chicken pox!"

"Is that why you have all those cool polka dots?"

Connie withdrew from his pointing finger. She took advantage of her few moments of freedom from the oven mitts to scratch both of her knees frantically. "Yeah, they're super contagious. I don't want you to catch them. They itch like _crazy_."

"I'm not worried about it," Steven said with a shrug, dragging a picnic basket over the windowsill with him. Lion dropped to all fours and padded away across the backyard. Connie silently prayed that her father wasn't looking out the window.

"But I _was_ worried about you!" Steven continued. "You never texted me back the other day, and then I went by the Fry Shack this afternoon and Peedee told me that you hadn't been at school for three whole days! And you love school!"

"Sorry, my parents took my phone away until I'm feeling better. They wanted me to get more sleep. And I have to stay home from school another _entire_ week, too." Connie glumly pulled the oven mitts back on, regretting it when her hands immediately started to sweat again.

"Awww, _what?_ "

Connie's eyes flickered to the door. "You should probably go."

"But I brought all this fun stuff for us to do!" Steven opened a picnic basket full of sandwiches, puzzles, and board games.

"I'm serious." Connie climbed back into bed, pulling the covers around herself dramatically. "You have to save yourself, Steven. Go. Before it's too late."

"I think I have to save you from dying of boredom," Steven countered.

Connie sat up again. "This is just like in the _Historical Girls_ book, with the outbreak of cholera," she said, her tired eyes glimmering. "Mary begged her best friend to save herself, but Louisa wouldn't leave her side for a moment."

"Whoa, that sounds awesome."

"And then Louisa caught it from her and- oh, I can't tell you. You have to read it yourself." Connie climbed out of bed and dug the book off her bookshelf. "My dad's working on his computer downstairs, so just keep your voice down, okay? Oh man, first you have to read the book where Mary and Louisa meet each other. It's the one where Mary's family arrives at Ellis Island and- Oh no, I forgot to leave you this series!" Connie grabbed a piece of paper off her night table and fumbled to pick up her pen with her mitted fingers. She scribbled a note down on it.

"What's that?" Steven asked, peering at the paper upside down.

Connie sighed. "I was writing a will. I think it's about time that I had one, you know? I've got a lot of birthday money saved up, and I know that _legally_ everything I have would go to my parents, but I want them to be able to respect my wishes if I was to perish in my childhood."

Steven blinked at the piece of paper before slowly pulling it out of her hand and setting it back on the night table. "Let's do something else right now," he said with a tight smile.

"I've been reading most of the day, but it gives me a headache after a while," Connie said. "And I'm only allowed to watch TV for an hour a day."

"Even when you're sick?" Steven gasped, horrified.

"Yup, Mom says I'm supposed to be sleeping. But I _can't_ sleep."

"Hey, I can read it to you!" Steven grabbed the first book of the series and glanced at the back cover. "Wow, 1845. That was like a bajillion years ago."

"Yeah, the pioneer days. They didn't have our kind of modern medicine yet." Connie scooted over on her bed to make room for Steven.

He sat beside her and opened the book on his lap. "You just get comfortable and listen."

Connie sunk down under the covers and closed her eyes as Steven began.

" _It was the darkest, coldest night of the year, and Pa said he needed to me to gather extra wood if we were going to stay warm until the sun rose_ \- oh wow Connie this is intense- _but little did I know that this winter would chill our hearts as well as our toes."_

Connie squirmed, kicking off her blankets. Then she suddenly sat up in bed, rubbing her oven mitted hand across her stomach and then fumbling to reach over one shoulder.

"You okay there?" Steven asked.

Connie gave up trying to reach the middle of her back. She grabbed her pillow and buried a muffled scream into it, then scrubbed it against the spots on her face.

"Awwwww, Connie…" Steven patted her hair, lip stuck out in sympathy. "You're so uncomfortable."

"I'm fine," Connie said faintly, into the pillow.

Steven kicked his sandaled feet against the bed thoughtfully. "Hey, I know my healing spit's has been on the fritz lately- ha ha, spit's on the fritz…" He momentarily distracted himself with a rhyme. "But I think I could try it again… if it might make you feel better."

Connie pulled the pillow away from her face. She smiled, suddenly shy. "Thanks, Steven."

* * *

Dr. Maheswaran trudged up the stairs, her feet aching from a long day at the hospital. She paused outside her daughter's door. Connie ought to be resting, but after she got out of her work clothes, she'd bring her some juice, check her temperature again, maybe-

Were those voices?

Dr. Maheswaran pressed her ear against the door. Yes, Connie was definitely talking to someone… that Universe boy was here! Impossible. Her husband said everything had been quiet all day.

"Okay, here goes nothing," the boy said. "I'll stop if it makes you uncomfortable."

And then Connie started giggling. "That tickles, Steven!"

What in the _world?_

Dr. Maheswaran yanked the door open to find Connie sitting up in bed with one arm held out in front of her, sleeve rolled up to her shoulder. Steven was perched beside her, dragging his tongue up her arm to her elbow. Connie turned bright red in an instant, but Steven hardly reacted to seeing her.

"Hi, Doctah Mahethwaran!" Steven called, his tongue still against Connie's arm. She pushed him away and fumbled to put on her glasses.

"What is the _meaning_ of this?" Dr. Maheswaran demanded.

Steven finally had the decency to put his tongue back in his mouth. "Oh, I was just-"

Connie slapped a hand over his mouth. "You're- you're probably pretty confused, Mom. B-but Steven's just here because- because Pearl wants him to catch the chicken pox!"

Steven's eyes widened. "Oh. Y-yeah. Chicken pox. Gotta have 'em!"

"Because it's better if you get them when… you're younger?" Connie suggested. But her mother was a doctor.

"No." Dr. Maheswaran said. "No. No, no, no." She picked Steven up off the bed and set him on the floor. "No."

"Is everything okay?" he asked.

"Honey, please come and drive Mr. Universe home." Dr. Maheswaran called, pulling Steven into the hall. "I need to make some phone calls."

* * *

"I don't see what the big deal is. I have _healing spit._ Mom got to cry on sick people, so why can't I lick anybody?"

Pearl rubbed the bridge of her nose. "I hear your point, Steven, but the simple fact is that your human society dictates that licking is not an appropriate social behavior. And unfortunately, it's only going to be less appropriate the older that you get."

Steven scowled. "Stupid society."

"I'm inclined to agree."

"But Connie's lie was pretty clever, huh? She came up with it right on the spot."

Pearl sighed heavily. "I spent several rather unpleasant hours on the phone with Dr. Maheswaran today. She made all of these completely unwarranted assumptions. For example, she said that she hoped I wasn't one of those hippie anti-vaccination mothers who are weakening our society's ability to protect the young from infection. And _then_ she asked if I was into that New Age 'crystal healing nonsense,' and quite frankly I had a difficult time responding to that..."

Steven scuffed his foot on the floor. "Sorry about that."

Pearl sighed. "It's alright. She came by this afternoon and dropped off some very fascinating pamphlets about human viruses." She flipped through one, her eyes widening with anxiety. "I had no _idea_ you were susceptible to so many different diseases. I mean rabies? Yellow fever? You've been properly vaccinated, haven't you?"

"Uh, I think so?" Steven shrugged. "I got a bunch of shots when I was little."

Pearl closed the pamphlet. "Well, I'm going to call Greg because I'm sure you could use some more."

"Aw, _man!_ " Nothing was going right today.

At that moment, Steven's cell phone rang, and his hopes rose again when he read the caller ID.

"Connie! How are you feeling?"

"Steven, listen to me. You'll never believe this. All of the spots on my left arm, where you, um, put your saliva… they're all better!"

"Yay!" Steven said. "You mean they don't itch anymore?"

"No!" Connie sounded alarmed. "I mean they aren't _there!_ They've just totally disappeared!"

Steven frowned. "Well, that's a good thing… right?"

"Yeah, I mean, it's great… but what am I going to do when my mom sees? In the morning, she's gonna see the rest of me covered with this awful, awful rash and my left arm is just totally normal!"

"That is a problem," Steven said. "Let me ask the Gems. They'll know what to do!"

Steven hung up and explained his predicament to the Gems carefully.

"So just draw some more spots on her," Amethyst said.

"But what if they wash off in the shower?"

Amethyst shrugged. "Then cut her arm off."

Pearl scowled. "Permanent marker. We _always_ suggest permanent marker _before_ amputation!"

"Yeah, that might be a solution to one problem, Amethyst, but I want to make Connie feel _better,_ not worse!" Steven cried.

Garnet knelt down in front of Steven, placing a firm hand on his shoulder. "Steven, I'm confident that if you put your mind to it, you'll come up with a solution that is exactly what Connie needs," she said.

And so that night, Steven lay upside down in his bed and put his mind to it. He put his mind to it until he passed out from exhaustion.

* * *

Seven AM was just a bit too early for Dr. Maheswaran to answer the doorbell pleasantly for anyone, and when she looked down to see Steven rocking back and forth in his beat up sandals, she really had to screw her smile on tight.

"Hey there. I'm sorry about yesterday. About… licking Connie. Pearl and I had a talk, and I understand why you don't want me to lick her anymore."

"Good," said Dr. Maheswaran, because there was little else to say. "Now, she's still resting this morning, but I'll tell her you came by, all right?"

"Wait!" Steven held out a parcel that he must have been hiding behind his back. "I know Connie's been feeling really miserable, so I got her a little something to help her feel better!"

"Oh, thank you, Steven." She took the item, a small bottle, and held it up so the clear contents caught the light. "May I ask what it is?"

"An empty lotion bottle that I filled with my saliva," Steven said brightly.

Her jaw dropped.

"I know. You're wondering how I did it…well, it wasn't easy. I actually felt a little dehydrated after- Dr. Maheswaran?"

But Steven was talking to the door that had suddenly shut in his face.

* * *

Steven lay upside down in his bed again, thinking hard.

"I guess I could have… mixed my spit in with real lotion," he said slowly. "And then just said it was regular lotion."

"Hindsight is 20/20," Garnet smiled sympathetically.

Pearl spent a long time on the phone that night.

* * *

 **THE END**


End file.
